What if there was nothing to fix?
I continue to deepen into living amidst paradox and to consider what it means to hold and allow two opposing ideas or experiences to be true. Paradox has been one of my greatest teachers and has really opened me up to the fullness, complexity and nuance of being a human on this planet.
A paradox that I have been deepening into lately is the idea of approaching myself, others and the world as if there is nothing to fix. Bringing the energy of acceptance and allowing things to be as they are while simultaneously holding on to the possibility for change, transformation and growth. How can our inner lives, relationships or systems change or transform if we allow, accept or choose not to “fix” something? It seems at face value that these two ideas oppose one another and would not allow for anything to change.
What would it be like to live and move through your day as if there was nothing to “fix” about yourself or your current moment? What space opens up when we move from a place of “fixing” to a space of witnessing or holding whatever moment we are in? This can include our current emotional experience, relational experience, grief or loss, and even systemic issues in our society or community. At first glance, this might sound like complacency, giving up, or apathy. Our culture has conditioned us to believe that for every experience or problem there is a fix, usually quick, and that we must act with urgency in most of these situations.
I know that I certainly see this showing up personally, relationally and professionally in my life. It can look like my child struggling at school with a friendship conflict and my initial reaction is to “fix” it, to find a solution. Or I am having a really difficult day, feeling weary, tired, grief-y and weighed down. My mind begins to spin-why do I feel like this? How long will it last? What can I do to feel “better?”
This could be explored on even wider levels when we consider system issues like racial injustice, income inequality, patriarchy or other systems of oppression. When I feel the rage rising with me over how internalized and external misogyny has impacted the experiences of myself and other women, I immediately want to “do” something about it. This urgency and desire to work for change is necessary, especially given the scale of crises we face currently from climate devastation, to racial inequities, and violence on a global scale.
However, I notice the reactivity in myself when I move to “fix” something quickly or impulsively. I have wondered, is there a more skillful way to interact with myself, relationally and systemically?
When I consider the question of “what if there was nothing to fix?” in these contexts, I notice that the question creates some space for the full experience of myself or someone else to be fully allowed and witnessed. If there is nothing to “fix” about my rage in the moment, that emotion can move through me, be felt fully and explored with some curiosity rather than resistance, denial or reactivity.
In that space of “not fixing,” of honoring, leaning towards and exploring gently, the opportunity for a skillful response arises.
The possibility arises for me to move forward with agency and choice and to fully consider what might need to change, transform or be reimagined. I can then hold both of these truths, there is nothing to fix about my experience AND it is possible to move towards a choice that feels in alignment with my values and what matters most to me.
It also allows me the space to listen and receive. To listen internally to my bodily sensations, emotions, and thoughts. And to pause and listen externally, looking towards and listening to voices that I might not have considered in my “fix it” mode. As a white, cis gendered, heterosexual woman, I notice who I have been conditioned to “listen” to most of my life. Who I consider an “expert” or the source of knowledge, wisdom or information. In the pause, or space of holding the tension, I can choose to listen to my own inner wisdom and to the voices of those who have been marginalized or silenced, who have important wisdom, perspective and knowledge to be shared.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
I have learned the most about how to “be with” vs “fix” as I have navigated grief and loss over the years. Despite what our culture teaches us, grief is not “fixable.” There are not five easy steps or stages to follow and then you are “done” grieving. Grief is part of an ongoing journey and experience that you carry with you, that shifts and changes, but doesn’t necessarily end. As Megan Devine explores in her book It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok, “Some things cannot be fixed; they can only be carried. Grief like yours, love like yours, can only be carried.”
Since we are not given many examples in our culture of what it looks like to carry grief with reverence, devotion or awe, I have spent a lot of time trying to fix my grief, and still do if I’m being completely honest. The self-care/wellness industry teaches us that there are solutions and ways to fix our pain, burnout, depression, insomnia, and grief, just to name a few. Capitalism and our consumer based culture teaches us that we are one product or service away from solving our current pain, problem or issue. Just try this essential oil, magical tea, supplement or yoga pose and you will “feel better.”
And just to be clear, I am part of the wellness industry as a yoga teacher and group facilitator, and I am sure at one point or another I have touted some diet, practice or book as the “cure” for whatever might be the current ailment du jour. Dr. Pooja Lakshmin describes this paradigm in her book Real Self-Care. She says, “Real self-care is an internal solution: it’s about changing your internal reality-or your own consciousness,” rather than seeking validation, solutions or “fixes” outside of yourself. In my eyes, this “internal solution” begins with NOT fixing ourselves, each other or systems but first allowing, moving towards and deeply listening to what is present within ourselves and others.
What I have come to appreciate and really be in devotion to is the unfixableness (I made this word up) messiness, non linearity, depth and width, and universality of grief. As I hold my grief, and the grief of others in my Mindful Grieving Program and Grief Circles, we create the space to allow, accept and hold our sorrow. From this place of gentle holding, tending and nurturing, wisdom always seems to arise within myself and others, nudging us towards what is life affirming and generative.
As the grief and loss is metabolized, something new emerges, a transformation occurs. A space for choice and skillful action arises. Carl Rogers says, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can change.” I think this is true for our grief, in our lives, relationships, jobs and in our collective healing path. I think of change as the next evolution in our identity, the transformation of relationships and building of new culture.
This has been and will be an ongoing practice for me. The spaces that have allowed me to build this skill of “not fixing” have been on my meditation cushion and on my yoga mat. I am deeply indebted and grateful to the south Asian culture and lineages that the practices of Yoga and Buddhism originated from. These contemplative and spiritual traditions and practices have taught me to witness my thoughts, feelings, conditioned patterns and habits and meet myself (on a good day) with some level of acceptance. And then five minutes later I forget and get right back to fixing and controlling. I forget and remember, many times each day.
Parenting has taught me so much about not fixing. Kids provide endless opportunities to practice witnessing, validating and holding space for the myriad tantrums, arguments, conflicts and early morning wake ups they seem to bring.
In addition, parts work or IFS (Internal Family Systems) has provided a framework and understanding of myself and others that has created space to meet each part of me with love and compassion. Really seeking to understand, listen to and nurture each and every part of me-even the judging part, inner critic, shameful part, anxious parts, angry parts and impatient parts.
And last but not least-my greatest teacher and resource is always the natural world-my plant, animals, water, rock, earth and sky kin. The natural world is constantly growing, transforming, changing and evolving. Seeking wholeness through seasons and cycles of death and birth. I gain deep comfort seeing a tree rooted so deeply to their place, allowing the seasons to change, leaves to fall, buds to form, birds to nest, branches to fall, kids to climb, and even death to eventually come.
There is nothing to fix in the moments I witness a tree so beautifully embodying their aliveness. The tree doesn’t wonder, “am I tree-ing good enough? Should I make more shade? Should I produce more fruit? They just are. They just do. And in just being, they stay so beautifully and amazingly connected to themselves and to the wider web of plants, fungi and microorganisms in the soil.
Thank you to the trees and to my other teachers in the natural world for embodying so effortlessly what I seek to become-rooted, present, grounded, connected, ever changing, transforming and growing.
